And for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Why is breaking up so hard? I mean logically it should be easy. You have a person come into your life, they leave, you find someone new--simple, right? I wish I was still a logical person. However, falling in love will take everything that is logical, and turn it completely around. Everything becomes silly and unexplainable, but it's all okay because you find comfort in that love. What if that love leaves? Then what? You've lost it.

When you lose that comfort, you not only lose the lover in the present, but in the future. Every plan you made with that person in your future is gone. College together? Gone. Marriage? Nonexistent. Kid? Don't even think about it. You don't just lose the present, you lose the future, too.

So, it's a Friday night and I am waiting on the text. The text that I know will say "Look, I love you, I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, just let me sleep it off." As my friend continues his song in the coffee shop, my phone vibrates. I read the message with shakey hands. "I'm not scared, and I do love you and care about you which is what makes this so hard. But I can't do this anymore. So fine, we're done."

Just like that.

My face fell to my hands in my lap. Tears began to fall that I didn't know I had. Next thing I know I'm giving the phone to Mal and rushing to the door. She puts her arm around me to walk around out side, but I can't walk.

Then, I heard the cracking of my kneecaps it the concrete as my body goes limp. I hear sobs coming from someone I didn't know. It wasn't like me to do this. I could feel my stomach in my throat, and my heart on the ground. How could he do this? He just threw away a year and a half in a text message. How could someone who cared so deeply for me hurt me like this? My best friend Andrew then came outside and just held me while I cried and sobbed. I shook as I choked out the cries of "what am I going to do?"

And for a moment, I could hardly breathe.

Suicide.

Thursday, November 13, 2008, a boy that went to a high school in my hometown drove to a town thirty minutes away, and shot himself in his ex-girlfriend's driveway. The thought is chilling to me. How can someone do that? How can someone hurt that bad? Supposedly his girlfriend broke up with him, and this was his solution. How, though? How can you do that?

I went to the funeral today because he was a friend of Kasey.  I got chills just being there. I cried just knowing a life that had hardly begun was gone, just like that. How could his parents feel? His sister? I thought about what I would do if he was my son or my brother, and I couldn't even imagine. 

What really bothers me are the people who feel like they can judge his actions. Sure, no one understand how he could do that. Was he thinking about how it would affect everyone? However, it really, really upsets me when people say "he's an asshole for that," ....no, no. You can't judge him like that, it's not right. You don't know the whole story. Love makes you do CRAZY things. Sure, I'd never kill myself, but maybe I haven't met someone I don't think I could live without. 

I guess I just wish people would celebrate the little life he led as opposed to judging it's end.

<3

High School and Guilty Pleasures

I had to go back to my high school today for transcript purposes.

College > High School.

Period. I never really noticed how much I have changed in such a short time until today. Although claustrophobia set in with the daunting halls and cold lockers, it was fun seeing some of my old buddies. I miss them too much.

I have crossed over to the dark side. My guilty pleasure = Desperate Housewives. I'm an addict and I love it. Don't judge me.

Loves<3


"The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel."
-Horace Walpole