I can't marry you, honey. You're fat now.

Saturday night I'm driving to hang out with some friends. I have on some radio station from a city a couple of hours away. It is one of those talk segments where someone calls in with a problem, and other people call in to give advice. This man's problem is as follows:

"I want to ask my girlfriend to be my wife, but only if she loses weight first."

Apparently, she weighed in about 105 lbs. when they began dating, and gained fifty five pounds over the course of their relationship. The questions posed were, "Is this wrong? Does he really want to get married? Is he shallow?"

In all honesty, at first I was irritated because I felt like if he really wanted to marry her, her size shouldn't matter. People change, right? Then I started thinking, fifty five pounds is a lot of weight, granted she did weigh just 105 pounds which is very tiny, but depending on her body type, that could be a healthy size for her. In that case, weighing 160 pounds instead would be heading towards a health risk. Not to mention relationships are partially due to physical attraction. Period. Maybe he was worried about her health. I don't know.

One girl called in and said he really must not want to marry her if he is that upset about her weight gain. She said if you love a person, you love all of them, faults included. The advice lady retorted.

Advice Lady- "Well, can you say the same thing for someone who smokes? If you are against smoking, is it wrong to ask them to quit before a commitment like marriage?"

Caller - "Well, marriage is unconditional. It should be unconditional love."

AL - "Yes, but honey, marriage is conditional. People get divorced all the time."

Caller - "Well, yes, but that doesn't make it right. He isn't ready to marry her if he doesn't love her for who she is now."

Then a man called in with these comments:

Caller - "The problem isn't that he's shallow, is the way he is presenting the information. Everything is in presentation. He should be saying, "Honey, fitness is important to me and the way I live my life. I want to marry you, but we need to share the same regard for fitness. This way he doesn't sound like he just doesn't love her because she is fat. It's apparent he loves her, I mean he wants to marry her, he just wants her to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with that."

Anywho, I thought it was mildly interesting.

Girly Weekend. What?

I have never wanted kids. Never. I always said I am too selfish to be a mother (and that may very well be true), and I do not want to get fat. Shallow? Yes. I'm okay with that. I'm vain, I'll admit it. Besides, the thought of that fetus pushing on my bladder and sucking away my nutrients was never appealing to me. I have a small enough bladder as it is. I pee all the time, I don't want to even think about how much I'd have to pee with a baby laying all up on it. And the stretch marks, oh, God, I don't want stretch marks. I could easily come up with a list of a thousand reasons to not have a baby. I even told my friend I wouldn't call her baby a "parasite" because I like her.

Thursday night one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Vincent Evan. He was gorgeous, a full head of hair and the longest fingers and toes. He was adorable. So, I'm standing there with Bill's entire family, look in this window to the nursery, waiting for the sign that she finally had the baby, when we hear a lullaby play over the speaker. His mother said, "He's here! He's here!" with tears in her eyes. I'm waiting to see how Ashley is doing because I knew she was having a hard birth, when Billy brings his son into the nursery. I thought I was going to cry. I probably would have, but I was there with my friend Michael (I couldn't lose face in front of one of the guys, now could I?). It was then that the thought crossed my mind...I want a baby.

Wait, what?!

Not now, of course. That'd just be stupid. However, I, for reasons unknown to me, have added children into my future. Weird, I know. It makes me feel so girly. I had a few friends tell me I was acting super girly about baby Vincent. I got all excited the night before when I visited Ash and Bill and they were monitoring the baby's heartbeat. I was amazed by it. Then, when I visited after he was born, and I held him. Oh my, he made the cutest baby noises! -sigh- So girly. He was really cute in my defense.

I may just adopt a baby from China though. I wish to not mutilate my vagina.


See? He's adorable, am I right? 8.8l

And for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Why is breaking up so hard? I mean logically it should be easy. You have a person come into your life, they leave, you find someone new--simple, right? I wish I was still a logical person. However, falling in love will take everything that is logical, and turn it completely around. Everything becomes silly and unexplainable, but it's all okay because you find comfort in that love. What if that love leaves? Then what? You've lost it.

When you lose that comfort, you not only lose the lover in the present, but in the future. Every plan you made with that person in your future is gone. College together? Gone. Marriage? Nonexistent. Kid? Don't even think about it. You don't just lose the present, you lose the future, too.

So, it's a Friday night and I am waiting on the text. The text that I know will say "Look, I love you, I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, just let me sleep it off." As my friend continues his song in the coffee shop, my phone vibrates. I read the message with shakey hands. "I'm not scared, and I do love you and care about you which is what makes this so hard. But I can't do this anymore. So fine, we're done."

Just like that.

My face fell to my hands in my lap. Tears began to fall that I didn't know I had. Next thing I know I'm giving the phone to Mal and rushing to the door. She puts her arm around me to walk around out side, but I can't walk.

Then, I heard the cracking of my kneecaps it the concrete as my body goes limp. I hear sobs coming from someone I didn't know. It wasn't like me to do this. I could feel my stomach in my throat, and my heart on the ground. How could he do this? He just threw away a year and a half in a text message. How could someone who cared so deeply for me hurt me like this? My best friend Andrew then came outside and just held me while I cried and sobbed. I shook as I choked out the cries of "what am I going to do?"

And for a moment, I could hardly breathe.

Suicide.

Thursday, November 13, 2008, a boy that went to a high school in my hometown drove to a town thirty minutes away, and shot himself in his ex-girlfriend's driveway. The thought is chilling to me. How can someone do that? How can someone hurt that bad? Supposedly his girlfriend broke up with him, and this was his solution. How, though? How can you do that?

I went to the funeral today because he was a friend of Kasey.  I got chills just being there. I cried just knowing a life that had hardly begun was gone, just like that. How could his parents feel? His sister? I thought about what I would do if he was my son or my brother, and I couldn't even imagine. 

What really bothers me are the people who feel like they can judge his actions. Sure, no one understand how he could do that. Was he thinking about how it would affect everyone? However, it really, really upsets me when people say "he's an asshole for that," ....no, no. You can't judge him like that, it's not right. You don't know the whole story. Love makes you do CRAZY things. Sure, I'd never kill myself, but maybe I haven't met someone I don't think I could live without. 

I guess I just wish people would celebrate the little life he led as opposed to judging it's end.

<3

High School and Guilty Pleasures

I had to go back to my high school today for transcript purposes.

College > High School.

Period. I never really noticed how much I have changed in such a short time until today. Although claustrophobia set in with the daunting halls and cold lockers, it was fun seeing some of my old buddies. I miss them too much.

I have crossed over to the dark side. My guilty pleasure = Desperate Housewives. I'm an addict and I love it. Don't judge me.

Loves<3


"The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel."
-Horace Walpole